I've been waiting for my writer's block to go away.And for this week only, I'm going to blog everyday and see if writing is the only way I can overcome it.
It's 8:00 A.M on a Saturday morning. I've been up for an hour now. Waking up involves, spending a lazy 30 seconds searching for my phone near my face with my eyes closed. The next 300 seconds is in a panicked frenzy and blind haze trying to find the phone amongst the 3 blankets and 7 pillows I've chose to co-inhabit with in the living room couch. I tell myself to move to the bedroom one of these days but the prospect of sleeping without The Husband on our bed makes me feel more lonely and depressed. After the phone is found, I unconsciously dial His number to check if He's alive and then I mumble about needing some alone time in the morning when he enthusiastically brings up a Skype conversation.
So here I am now. I've made no plans for the weekend. I've woken up with no hangover that needs to be fixed and that I can use as an excuse to waste a beautiful morning. I've bought 9 books this week and I'm hoping to read the Alice Sebold one called The Almost Moon today. The Husband tells me to go "do something" today. He feels guilty that I've been avoiding a social life because he's not here yet. I feel guilty too. I've never been the kind of person who needed a boyfriend for social engagements but quickly over the last few weeks, I can't seem to make plans with friends for movies or bars without thinking "Perhaps I should wait till he gets here." And so I stay at home, on my couch, looking repeatedly at the 10 pictures of the wedding I've been tagged in while simultaneously - "stress eating".
The eating is something that I don't know how to deal with. I understand now when people say "They eat their feelings" and I've been doing the same.I've polished off bags of chips that I would have bought over a period of 6 months. The food helps.Its better the chips than alcohol. There is cold beer sitting in the fridge untouched that I tell myself I will have people over and have fun and let myself go for the night. The past two weekends that I had friends come, I was fast asleep at 10 after half a glass. Perhaps, I will stick to my promises to go to T and J's new apartment tonight with J and J.
I've started looking for a new job and even interviewed for an amazing position with stem cell work and pediatric cancer research. I'm still waiting to hear back from them. It would be an amazing opportunity. But it also makes me want to reevaluate my goals for my life. Should I be applying for a PhD or continue to work as a Research Associate with a long forgotten Masters degree?
There are many things to figure out now. And I can't keep saying "It will all fall into place."
Some days I just want to give up and move back home and make my problems someone else's.Have my parents fix them for me. How I fought to make my own decisions back then, and now I would kill for sometime to tell me that "This.is.what.you.have.to.do"
When I was talking to my boss Charlie yesterday about how lost I was feeling, he asked me "Why do you want to do research?". And I stated, simply "Because I don't know how to do anything else."
He said "Take a break, go be a cashier, go be a grocery bagger, figure out what you need to do and why"
I said I couldn't. Because my conditioned brain wouldn't allow me to take a break to figure out if I should be doing research or writing poetry or baking a fancy cake. It tells me to find another job and then worry about whether I like it or not.
But it will all work out. Everything will be ok.
The past few weeks have been rough and so will the next few. The only thing and I can do and keep doing is to patiently wait. For the Husband to come home. For my work to sort itself out. For us to find a job in the same city.
For everything to fall into place.
It's 8:00 A.M on a Saturday morning. I've been up for an hour now. Waking up involves, spending a lazy 30 seconds searching for my phone near my face with my eyes closed. The next 300 seconds is in a panicked frenzy and blind haze trying to find the phone amongst the 3 blankets and 7 pillows I've chose to co-inhabit with in the living room couch. I tell myself to move to the bedroom one of these days but the prospect of sleeping without The Husband on our bed makes me feel more lonely and depressed. After the phone is found, I unconsciously dial His number to check if He's alive and then I mumble about needing some alone time in the morning when he enthusiastically brings up a Skype conversation.
So here I am now. I've made no plans for the weekend. I've woken up with no hangover that needs to be fixed and that I can use as an excuse to waste a beautiful morning. I've bought 9 books this week and I'm hoping to read the Alice Sebold one called The Almost Moon today. The Husband tells me to go "do something" today. He feels guilty that I've been avoiding a social life because he's not here yet. I feel guilty too. I've never been the kind of person who needed a boyfriend for social engagements but quickly over the last few weeks, I can't seem to make plans with friends for movies or bars without thinking "Perhaps I should wait till he gets here." And so I stay at home, on my couch, looking repeatedly at the 10 pictures of the wedding I've been tagged in while simultaneously - "stress eating".
The eating is something that I don't know how to deal with. I understand now when people say "They eat their feelings" and I've been doing the same.I've polished off bags of chips that I would have bought over a period of 6 months. The food helps.Its better the chips than alcohol. There is cold beer sitting in the fridge untouched that I tell myself I will have people over and have fun and let myself go for the night. The past two weekends that I had friends come, I was fast asleep at 10 after half a glass. Perhaps, I will stick to my promises to go to T and J's new apartment tonight with J and J.
I've started looking for a new job and even interviewed for an amazing position with stem cell work and pediatric cancer research. I'm still waiting to hear back from them. It would be an amazing opportunity. But it also makes me want to reevaluate my goals for my life. Should I be applying for a PhD or continue to work as a Research Associate with a long forgotten Masters degree?
There are many things to figure out now. And I can't keep saying "It will all fall into place."
Some days I just want to give up and move back home and make my problems someone else's.Have my parents fix them for me. How I fought to make my own decisions back then, and now I would kill for sometime to tell me that "This.is.what.you.have.to.do"
When I was talking to my boss Charlie yesterday about how lost I was feeling, he asked me "Why do you want to do research?". And I stated, simply "Because I don't know how to do anything else."
He said "Take a break, go be a cashier, go be a grocery bagger, figure out what you need to do and why"
I said I couldn't. Because my conditioned brain wouldn't allow me to take a break to figure out if I should be doing research or writing poetry or baking a fancy cake. It tells me to find another job and then worry about whether I like it or not.
But it will all work out. Everything will be ok.
The past few weeks have been rough and so will the next few. The only thing and I can do and keep doing is to patiently wait. For the Husband to come home. For my work to sort itself out. For us to find a job in the same city.
For everything to fall into place.
1 comment:
It'll all work. Hang in there. You're making a lot of people proud and happy!
Hugs
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